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wRamblings of a Giggling Baka |
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Heed the words of a Psycho!
On The 01-09-05, The Baka Is Currently....
Feeling...Remoseful
Listening To...Magic by the Cars
Wearing...MASH shirt and MASH Pjs
Talking to...no one
Eating...nada
Drinking...Pepsi One
Reading...Too many books!
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Can You See Me?
Friday, April 04, 2003 |
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Ramble Topic One: Cleaning
Yeah. I was supposed to be cleaning but i wanted to talk to Sarah which I did. I'm gonna clean in a bit i guess. I don't really have anything else to do. I htink I've hit on eof my lows. I need to find happpy things or write. Writing is good for me yeah know? I really don't know...yeah I gues I'll clean in a bit...and wash clothes..weee
Ramble Topic Two: My Random Thoughts
If this jumps around a lot. Lo Siento...I'm just babbling.
I've been thinking...about nothing in particular....just about things. About my friends, how wonderful they are. About my Nate, how I miss him dearly. About my room, how I need to it. About V, how she's away from her husband. About the concret, which is soon. Yeah...I see sadness all around me once more...I don't know why. I mean I'm not in that bad of a mood. A bit...iffy but not bad. I don't know...I just don't know. It's odd. I usually know about the things that happen to me. I mean, I know when I get yelled at why that is. I know why I'm sad. I know why I'm happy. I know I do things and yet today it was like a dream. Just another day in a reality that I can't get away from. Another day where Leah is tormeting people I like as friends...another day my teachers look down at me(this I ponder, i've turned in 98% of my HW and only sleep sometimes)...another day where this neverending diet goes on...another day passing without a though...just another day where nothing new happens, where nothing will happen, where it will always be the same.
It's just odd...I usually know these things. I mean I've been reflecting on my attitude toward my friends. How I react towards them. I hvae trouble handling emotion that I don't know. Sadness or anger really isn't my department. I don't know how to treat but to laugh or smile and yet I see my friends living through this day after day. I don't even know how to help them! I so badly want to too....I mean that's what a friend is for right? To be someone to lean on when you're sad or mad? But how do I help them...I so badly want to. ::sighs:: When I saw my best friend, Aly, break down over the 'agruement' with Cate...I just....tore up inside. I couldn't stand it. I can't handle that. She is my support pillar. I go to her when I'm sad...when I'm happy or when I just need someone to talk to. And then...what do I need when she's in need of a friend? Just stand there. I don't do anything! Least Meaghan was there...Meaghan is a great friend and person. She's so sweet and kind...I don't know...I guess I just suck at this friendship thing.
There are times when I go to far with my jokes. With poking, with tripping, with hair pulling....smetimes I have trouble expressing my thoughts in words and I just do. Maybe I just want attention...I don't know. I mean I hate being ignored by my friends when I am around them. It just bugs me. Usually whenever someone walks over, I'll include them in whatever...but I just get brushed by. I know I'm quiet...i have trouble expressing feelings and thoughts...not happyness but detress, or sadness...It doesn't really compute in my system. Is there something wrong with me?
Then my thoughts wander to Nate...I truly love him. Esspecially as a friend. I know I really like him and i have special feelings for him alone but...something just ponders what it would be like if I would break up with him...would we still be friends? could we ever go out again? Never in my lifetime, do I want to hurt him. He's just...like an angel to me. A shining light in the darkness. The lighthouse in the fog when I get lost, ya know? I hate those thoughts i get! I feel so rotten and dirty. I don't even deserve him...he's just an amazing person. Almost too great and special for a human to possibly call their own...I know he has captured my heart and has secured it tightly. I just wonder i have...have I replaced my piece of missing heart with the piece I took from him? OR is it just an empty space leaving nothing but a thought to twist and turn. To become a seperant to insnare me in a trap of jealsy and hate one day. I sincerely hope not...He's always been there. I don't know...do I truly deserve him...should I have someone so special all to myself? Or should I let go and let him be free? ::sniffles:: Gosh...I can't bare the thought of letting him go...i lean on him for support...he listens though he is silent but silence is sometimes the best...it sometimes is the most reinsurring through there ever was for me...I Need some true time alone with him. I need to be with him...I use 'I' to much...what does He want??
Friend...::snorts:: I can't believe I call myself that...
I don't deserve him...
Ramble Topic Three: Why
Why...
Would anyone want to love me?
Why...
Would anyone want to be my friend?
Why...
Should I be saved?
Why...
am I at the butt of the jokes?
Why...
Can't this world love one another?
Why...
does there have to be gossip?
Why...
Why...
Why...
Can't anything go as planned?
Why...
Can't I do the things I want to do?
Why...
Did God make me who I am today?
Why...
Does he love me?
Why...
All I ask is why...
T3H B4K4 last Rambled @
9:28:00 PM
Cookies?-[ Cookies!]
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