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wRamblings of a Giggling Baka |
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Heed the words of a Psycho!
On The 01-09-05, The Baka Is Currently....
Feeling...Remoseful
Listening To...Magic by the Cars
Wearing...MASH shirt and MASH Pjs
Talking to...no one
Eating...nada
Drinking...Pepsi One
Reading...Too many books!
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Can You See Me?
Monday, September 29, 2003 |
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Cookies...I don't know how much of a screw up I've become...I'm a hypocrite to my own teachings and to God's word...
Anywho...beginning of this tale...
We had to give a presentation in english class on this stupid vocab word that was assigned to us...I got condescend...
I stated the word and its meaning and for an example I used the parallel of a cheerleader to that word...it was the only thing that came to mind...
And I can't believe I said that...I shouldn't have said that for the love of God...but I did!
Teach others the way you want to be treated...I'm treatnig them like they treat me...like shit. But you know what...I know that isnt right...
yeah i asked for it when I let out that comment about cheerleaders...but Ive gotten enough of that shit blown in my face for the past five years that I rather be heard and called a bitch to sit back and take it all anymore...It's just so wearing on my inner being that I can't stand it anymore! I just dont have the energy to take in anymore...it festers and grows and evertuanlly i'll just become more hurt then I was.
....i dont want to be hurtful or resentful either those...i want to love and help all that i can...its just hard when ppl scron you for loving others and treating them as equeals instead of sticking your nose in the air and acting superior...
It's so hard? to be different...I don't know why I did it...It's not part of my personality...it's something I've sworn to myself I would not do...but i did it, damn it! And I was proud of it for a while...then I got a sinking feeling...then I got yelled at for the stupidest reasons on earth...and like my happiness was sucked into a drain and won't return...
I don't want to talk to a few people because really...they don't quite see what I see...course I'm just being a sentimetal fool and hurting those i love yet again...but I can't do this anymore...I don't know how to act around people I can not stand...I can braely not glare at them when they make rude remarks about people i love...
Yes I love Stuart though I would to shoot him at times...but really...he';s not that bad..::sighs:: I dont know why I care anymore...I should just lock myself up in my books again and just show the mask I've made for myself...
Really...letting ppl in hurts more then keeping them out...
and I don't even know why this is such a big issue...
I wish I could be the person I want to be...I wish there was some way to make me into the naive little person that I was when I younger...that a smile from a friend would send my heart soaring to God above...but...i can't do it anymore...
I'm so lost and confused...I should read Psalms...and listen to some good classic christian rock...
I'm such a moron...why can't I see past my own scars and feelings and see into others and help them become better then they are?
I wish I could be nice...really I do...
Good Psycho Motto: Forget all your worries! Forget all your dismay! BE HAPPY! For 'tis the only way!
What happened to that meaning of that pharse that I made for comfort of a friend...
Why does it hold nothing for me anymore...
Is there a reason why it was blocked from my memory...
How can I forget when I can't even forgive...
How come I've become the one thing that i despise...
Why can't I be the GGP?
Course...I wrote that expection to the rule...Thou Shall Not Hate...Unless it's an evil one...but to me they all are evil...and to hate comes so naturally...it's part of hte human nature that i have been cursed with...it is a challenge that i hvae to over come, right?
And yet...it's so easy to just hate and let it fester into anger...then into whatever is next...but that is not the way!
DANG IT!
THAT IS NOT THE FREAKING WAY TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS!
I have to solve them out of love and kindness..I have show that I am a good person.
I need to become what i once was! I need to learn how to love again unconditionally...how to show that I am not one of the faces in the crowd...that i am somenoe that can love and forgive...that I am someone that can stand out for herself and her friends...
I need show what I truly am...
Then maybe I won't feel so wretched about that things i have done...
Then maybe i can become a better person...
Then maybe I will forgive myself for what i have become...
Psalm 121:1-2
-- I will lift up my eyes to the hills-from whence come my help?
My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
That there is my confermation verse...how true it rings in my life...My strength will be from the Lord...he will guide me and show me how to change my life and become what i truly should be..
He'll be my help...
He'll save me from myself.
T3H B4K4 last Rambled @
7:11:00 PM
Cookies?-[ Cookies!]
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