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wRamblings of a Giggling Baka |
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Heed the words of a Psycho!
On The 01-09-05, The Baka Is Currently....
Feeling...Remoseful
Listening To...Magic by the Cars
Wearing...MASH shirt and MASH Pjs
Talking to...no one
Eating...nada
Drinking...Pepsi One
Reading...Too many books!
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Can You See Me?
Thursday, January 22, 2004 |
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Dear, God...I have a problem
(my letter to God, btw)
Well, ya know, I think I'm crazy. Is it wrong to say I am in love at such a young age? I know this is an issue that keeps reaccuring but I can't get off my mind! What do you think?
And you know what, I don't think this seperation thing is good either. Cause ya know...::sighs:: I base all judgements of guys off of Nate. No other guy really makes me feel so...complete and happy. When i hug my other guy friends, I feel no funny happy feelings...but I even when I think about Nate, i get all giggly and happy and feel like i can take on the world! Perhaps my body and mind are trying to tell me something...Do you have any opinions on this, God?
And ya know too, I love his purity he has, his devotion to You, and his voice. Yeah, kinda strange isn't it? I don't love him for the phsyical reasons. He keeps me mentally healthy...I really don't think I can do through the seperation. Just thinking about it now just hurts. It's like a deep, throbbing pain next to my heart, where I believe my soul is.
I love his mind too. It may wander or be a little distracted, but there's so much there I can learn from. He's soooo amazing to me. Do I just sound like a love sick puppy? I don't know...I love everything about him. His smell, his hair, his eyes, his heart, his love he has for me and You, just everything! Isn't that that the way it should be?
There's only two things that distress me about him....A) the distance B) his quietness. Cause ya know I love to talk my heart out.
I wish also I had someone close to talk to about this...Someone that completely understood all my feelings and thoughts. The only person i know of that has these feelings is Fizzy...my sensei in Love she is.
Though, i do wish i understood how..."normal"(?) people felt about boyfriends and all. Cause, I've never really had all that much experience in switching boys. Just a few for me. Nothing serious like I am now with Naters. Nothing else has ever felt as it does for Naters.
When i see other ppl with someone there are happy with, It hurts. It's a plain constant reminder that I'll never be close to Naters until we're older. I wanna be in the place of those girls with their guys...I want to be held by Naters, I wanna be loved...i wanna hear his voice, i don't care if he rambles, it's just so sweet to listen to. Or look into his eyes...i love his eyes. oooo, or play with his hair. ^_^ I love that stuff. Whyfor was I cursed and yet blessed with this? I am in love but at a distance. It's almost unbarable.
Though, I thank You everyday for him. He's truly one of my best friends. Thank you, God.
Also something I've been thinking about is that I'm too attached to him or something to that effect. I don't know. I don't even know how i feel sometimes! It's all so confusing...do You have any ideas?
Another thing too, why am I the seemingly only one that doesn't really like about guys? Is it abnormal? I don't really like looking...if i do it's just for my friends. It's like 'ooo, sarah would like one' or 'oooo, now -that's- an ashley guy' For me, I just compare them to nate. And ya know what, nate always wins. I can't imagine myself with anyone but him.
Is that okie?
God, please help me, I'm so lost amoung my feelings!!
I just want to be with him...Why can't I?! Why can't I see him more often?!?! What'd I do to be cursed with this?!
WHAT WHAT WHAT!!
Graaaaah! Dang it!
::sighs:: But why get mad things that i cannot control?
I can't do this seperation thing...no matter how healthy it is for a relationship, I can't stand the thought of Nate not being by my side...I've definately been struck by the love bug...He's so dear to me...Why did Sarah plant those thoughts in my head about seperation! Graaah!
I am -not- doing it. I dun care what people say. I don't want to date anyone else. I mean Stephen is nice and all but no one makes me feel as Nate does.
I still wish I could relate to Sarah...Please God, give me strength and wisdom on how to handle my feelings and say things that will help. I've had so much trouble with this...I want to be supportive and loving...please, please let me be these things. I love her as if she is my twin sister. Please help me to understand.
I don't even feel like talking to anyone now...Just Naters. If only he was on...::sigh:: My feet are asleep...How pleasant...
I wonder if anyone hears me when I cry out for guidance? I need help with this...I know what Naters want but I can't decipher my own feelings.
I feel so horrid about some of this too....I think I can talk to Cate...but I don't know, do You think that is wise? She has never had a boyfriend...but that doesn't mean anything. I talk to Fizzy too but she too is on Nate's views...
Maybe I'm just crazy.
Ya know, that's probably it...
I love him, and that's that.
Thanks for listening God. I can't wait for your answers.
With Love,
Mo
T3H B4K4 last Rambled @
9:09:00 PM
Cookies?-[ Cookies!]
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